Tales of the Parodyverse

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Spaztic Chyld
Wed Apr 06, 2005 at 01:17:39 am EDT
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"Just One Of Those Days"
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Bob was tired of the same old hubub of his everyday life, so he set off for his big adventure in life. He went down to the pawn shop and pawned off all of his big stuff from home: his stereo, big screen plasma TV, his golf clubs, his matching hula mugs, you know, the good stuff. And when he had that big wad of cash in his hands, he went out and bought a replica of "The General Lee" from the Dukes of Hazard and set out on the open road.

In the first small town he came to, he bought a shotgun (for protection) and a couple of knives and small weapons of various sorts and styles. He picked up a cool pack to put it all in and then got a sleeping bag and some survival gear. Bob was going to have the time of his life in the Rocky Mountains, where he was headed. But before he left New York State, he was going to be sent on adventure that he could never have planned for.

It was a stormy night as he approached the border. "When I cross that border," he said aloud to himself with a sound of excitement in his voice, "there ain't no coming back!" When he was three miles to the border, he put his favorite CD in the stereo and cranked it. At two miles, he put on his dark sunglasses. And at one mile, he stuffed a wad of Big League Chew in his mouth.

Meanwhile, the storm clouds above him were whipping with furious intensity, as if something big was about to come down. Lightning began to light up the sky the closer he got to the border. The rainless sky made the storm seem that much more incredible. Bob was beginning to get a little scared when all of a sudden a bright light came from his left. The instant concussion of thunder let him know that it was a near miss on his car.

"Holy Leapin' Lizards!" Bob yelled as he floored the old Pontiac. Another bolt hit to the right of his car. The only thing keeping him from going blind was his sunglasses, which rattled all over his nose as he went off road for a little bit to avoid another bolt of lightning. Then, just as he hit the border, a lightning bolt hit the top of his car and he spun in circles and was knocked out by the impact.


The next morning, Bob woke up to a splitting headache and some high-pitched voices. They were all squeaky like rusty hinges, but their words were quite clear to him, though their forms were not at present. "What the heck do you think it is?" One voice said.

"I think it's a dweeble minser," came a second, more irritating voice.

"It'd have to be the ugliest one I've ever seen." The first voice relpied.

"I think it's going to get up now," said the second, as Bob sat up in his seat and removed his glasses.

Before him, on the dashboard, were two little ferret-looking people. They cold easily pass for ferrets were it not for their little hands and round faces. Bob whiped his eyes and looked again. The two little creatures just giggled. Bob started checking his head for any bleeding or possible fractures, but found nothing.

"You're funny." The taller, and obviously the owner of the second voice he heard said to him.

"Yeah," the other said with a giggle. "Now pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time!"

Bob looked outside of the car and all around. "Somehow," he said aloud, "I don't think I'm in New York anymore." And indeed he wasn't. The sky was grass green and the ground was sky blue. "Where am I?" he asked his two little visitors, "And who are you?"

"We were about to ask you the same thing!" Exclaimed the tall creature.

"Oh, behave! First tell him who we are."

"Why? he asked us where he was first. Don't you think we should at least give him that?"

"Well, that would be nice, but.. formalities and all. If we don't tell him who we are, then he'll never know who he's talking to. And if he doesn't know who he's talking to, then who's to say he's really going to listen."

"Youv'e got a point there." then they both laid down on their bellies, facing one another, and continued. "If he doesn't know who we are, then he's bound to be confused as to which one of us he's talking to, or even worse! We could get confused ourselves and then what?!"

"I'll tell you what! Then we'll be asking him questions too, and if he doesn't know the simple answers to questions like 'where am I' and 'who are you,' then we're only going to get caught up in the confusion of it all, and what a mess that would be!"

"Ahem!" Bob cleared his throat and the two little creatures stopped talking to each other and looked up at him.

"Oh, yes. So, which shall it be? Do you want to know where you are, or who we are first? Come along now, we haven't got all day."

"Yes, your contraption is on our home."

Bob looked out his window and down towards the front of his car where, indeed, his wheel was over the top of a door that led directly into the ground. Looking back up at the two creatures, Bob wiped his face and said slowly, so as not to get the two distracted again, "Let's start with who you are, then what you are, and let's end with where I am. Does that sound simple enough to you?"

"Yes, indeed." said the taller of the creatures as it jumped up to standing position again. "I'm Bolt, and this is my friend and chum, Baste. We are, as you have somehow managed to miss the fact, jibbers. And, finally, you are in Dobart, but more precisely, on our home." Bolt turned to Baste and asked in a quite happy tone, "How was that?"

"Just fine! Oh yes! Fine, fine fine!"

"Okay, I'm sorry about your house, but would you just get out of my car and point me to the nearest freeway?" Bob asked, suddenly feeling a sense of deep irritation inside of him. But just then, another flash enveloped him and he was on the side of the freeway on the other side of the New York border. "Whew! I must have a concussion!" Bob said, rubbing his head.

"What's a concussion?" came the two vioces of Bolt and Baste in unison from the seat next to him. Looking down, he saw the same two little creatures belted into the seat together, smiling up at him.

"Now I know I'm dreaming!" Bob reached for the starter and turned on his car, but instead of an ignition, a soft humming noise came from under his hood. "What the?!" He popped the hood and jumped out to look to see what was wrong with his car. When he lifted the hood however, there was no engine there. Instead, there was a blue, swirling mass of energy that seemed to cling to the cavity of the car. He closed the hood slowly and looked back inside of his car at Bolt and Baste. Then, with no other choice, he got into his car and started to drive. Amazingly, the car tore through the freeway traffic at incredible speeds. At the next town, he pulled up to a convenience station and got a rootbeer while he stopped to think things over.


To be continued......


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